It was a miserable Tuesday. I was sitting at Taco Bell with five of the dollar burritos in front of me. The person sitting across the table from me had the same disgruntled look. I knew we were both locked and loaded. This was a Mexican standoff. There was nobody in the world that I hate more than the piece of shit person sitting across the damn table. So annoying and strange is this person; they are a drain on my existence. Why would anyone want to hang out with them. Fuck my life.
I look down from my phone and notice I still haven’t touched my burritos. I take a bite and I glance back at my phone. But my phone is gone. What. I look up and the disgusting freak of a person in front of me is gone. Another is in front of me. Oh lord the horror of such a nasty and vulgar being. I ask you to please bring back my lunch companion. This unholy sight in front of me is myself. I might be a copy, but how shallow of a copy? I reach for my gun, flip the table, and take cover. This place is about to be fucking shot up. There was no way I could trust that I wouldn’t try to fucking kill my self.
We both just decide to shoot at each other in a way which causes the most destruction possible for the restaurant. The whole restaurant was guts and exploded sauce packets. FUCK! I am not dead. Upon reflection, there was no way I could have missed all those shots. I must be too much of a coward to even kill myself. There is no way this is ever gonna get resolved. This Taco Bell is probably gonna be an eternal battleground. The patrons forever threatened by bullets and the sting of hot sauce in their wounds.
Before I could reload my gun a massive she wolf smashed through the window. I hadn’t even process the situation before I fell into a trance over the wolf unleashing a howl. In this howl, she had communicated to me in a spiritual sense the following divine revelations:
I am the eternal mother wolf Amy. I am the mother of western civilization. My milk built Rome. Their lost children fed on my life energy and I was the one who saved them when they are in danger. I have returned to give you my two point manifesto.
The Timber Wolf Tuesday
- Wolves Kill
- Wolves Love
She looked at my copy and asked for food. They had nothing to give her. So she fucking consumed them whole, well good riddance. It took two seconds to realize, I was next. Before I could run away she was upon me. I realized that I still had my burritos, so I offered her what I had. She loved me and ate them with me. The she wolf Amy told me that she embraced me for all my flaws. I told her that I loved her too, especially for crushing my enemies with such brutal violence.
So I swore to follow the code of Timber Wolf Tuesday. Wolves Kill and Wolves Love. Every Tuesday we consumed Taco Bell together, reminding myself to love or cannibalize my fellow man.
All Hail Taco Bell Timber Wolf Tuesday!