Syllabus day more like syllabus gaaaay… GOT EM!
Hey my name is Jacob, I am in college to get a practical degree, accounting. My girlfriend and I are dedicated Christian conservatives, waiting until marriage to have sex. We only kiss and hold hands. It is super important to bond and maintain our relationship. That is why I suggested we take this introductory philosophy class together. We both enjoy reading and learning.
So we get to the lecture hall and sit together. The professor hands out the schedule for the course. Reading this schedule, I am so morally offended. I know college has a liberal bias, but I didn’t know they would literally try teaching us such liberal trash as intro philosophy.
- Week 1
- How don’t you know reality is fake and gay?
- Week 2
- Was Hitler bad?
- Week 3
- God Not Real!
- Week 4
- The Constitution means whatever I say it means.
- Week 5
- Did the holocaust happen?
- Week 6
- Blow me or fail!
So I decide to politely raise my hand. When he gets to me, I ask him, “what do you mean by blow me or fail?”
He looks at me and rolls his eyes. The whole room gets silent. All of a sudden a response emanates from a hole in his face, “what’s your name… ?“
I blurt out the truth, “Jacob”.
He then jumps back in, “I am Professor Wang. It is nice to meet you Jacuck… hahaha GOT EM! I am gonna fuck your girlfriend. Just kidding, I like to have fun. Next!”
The class then just started chanting aloud. Lots of hate towards Republicans, small town “hicks”, and cisgender heterosexual men. I just felt so humiliated as this class basically taught that my lifestyle choices were immoral.
After class, I walked down to the dean’s office and asked to report Professor Wang for borderline sexual harassment. The office assistant were very concerned until they learned that it was just a tenured liberal professor owning a conservative broflake. They told me the dean is booked up for non-emergencies for the next 5 years.
Well I think I have no other choice but to prove my professor a complete and utter fraud. I decided that I was gonna read Why Reality is Real and Heterosexual, an article put out by the Heritage Foundation. They provide a good bulleted list of reasons to support their case.
- Jesus told me so.
- We knew reality was real and heterosexual until the Cultural Marxists came along.
- Hitler was bad and he believed reality was fake and gay.
Wow, what a good set of arguments. I feel like a real chad. This confidence did not end up saving me in the end. I tried to make these points but as I read everyone in class laughed at me, in unison and with no one out of step. The professor then just told me, “what if all that was also fake and gay? Huh? Huh? Huh? Gonna cry bro, because you can’t handle facts that Jesus can’t suck my fucking cock. Why can’t he slob on my massive member? He is fake and gay!”
Well shit, I didn’t think that Jesus might be fake and gay. That seriously hurt my feelings, but I decided I need to power through this. I will come back for the second class even stronger.
The next week, I walked into class holding hands with my girlfriend. Hopefully he wasn’t gonna try to promote Nazism. I know he is a liberal, but I choose not to judge him as a Nazi until I heard him out. I believe in free speech.
Professor Wang started today’s lesson by saying that you can’t prove Hitler was bad. Who said killing 6 million Jews was morally bad? No one! OWNED!
I had no rebuttal, because this fucker was prepared to drag the debate to the most depraved realm of argumentation. He was the ultimate skeptic. I was nothing but a mere “moral faggot”.
Every class was basically the same. He would just say, “how do you know that is not fake and gay?” Then dunk on anyone that challenged him. He gets everyone to laugh at you. I just sat silent after a while.
He talks about how Hitler wasn’t bad, God is not real, and human rights mean nothing. These logical people just drag everything down the realm of ultimate skepticism and destruction of anything that can’t be proven. I wish I could just reach these people that there is more important stuff than being a logic bro.
Everytime I try to suggest this, everyone in the class yells for me to shut up and Professor Wang calls me Jacuck. “Hey Jacuck, I am gonna fuck your girlfriend”, Professor Wang would say.
Eventually we got to week 6. Professor Wang advertised it as, “Blow me or fail!” I was kind of expecting him to explain what he meant by this or maybe he will just rant and give us all an A. Who really knew?
He walked into class as usual. He was very quiet just smiling at the class for 13 minutes. The silence ended and he explained to us, ”I have tenure and I am prepared to fail you out of university. You can either suck my cock or get a 0% for the class. Jacuck, you are gonna learn that reality is fake and gay, when you and your girlfriend get down on your knees and pray to me. I am your lord, your truthbringer, the master of understanding. You can schedule your blowjob on the course website.” He then just danced out of the room.
I leaned over to this guy sitting next to me and asked him, “Are you really gonna suck his dick?”
He then gave me a dirty look and said, “I aint homophobic bro.”
I sank into my chair with a look of terror. Oh Lord, our faith is being tested. I knew that me and my girlfriend wouldn’t fall for the professor’s dirty tricks. I was prepared to get kicked out of university to defend my christian conservative values. This liberal professor will not bully me.
A week later, I tell my girlfriend worryingly that this grade will endanger our future. She looks at me with a slight smile saying, “hopefully they will understand and not kick us out. I need to get going to work, this conversation went a little too long. I love you.” Then she dashed out the door.
The moment the door to my apartment closed, I got a message from Professor Wang:
Hey Jacuck! I decided to pass your whore girlfriend after she gave me an amazing blowjob. Why not come by later tonight so you can just gag on my fucking nuts? If you don’t believe me, just log into her gradebook and check for yourself.
For the first few minutes after reading this message, I strongly doubt that my girl is doing this. I need to have faith that my girl is not a fucking whoring. Maybe I am just a sucker, that is why she was not so worried. She knows she passed and will not fail out. I had to look.
She left her computer here. I open it and she had left her gradebook open to the introductory philosophy class. The grade was 100%. He said that the only way to get a grade higher than 0% was to suck his cock. If I use the basic logic skills that Professor Wang taught me… Oh Lord! My girlfriend gave up the chastity of our Christian relationship to please this godless liberal professor. I knew what I had to do.
I arrived at his house. Professor Wang greeted me, “Oh Jacob, I wasn’t expecting you. I really thought you would be the only student to hold out. Well I am glad to have you, follow me.”
He leads me down a long hallway full of pictures of Nazis and Democratic Party politicians. Eventually we enter a room full of cameras. He then explains, “I film all my students, but this is gonna be special. I am going to submit this as evidence that reality is fake and gay. Once you swallow my baby batter, my paper in the Journal of LOGIC! will be complete and I will become the greatest philosopher that has ever existed. Owning broflakes that believe in Christian conservatism by making them performatively invalidate their beliefs will be my greatest work thus far. I already got a good title: Conservatives? More Like Cockservatives! LOL AMIRITE!” He then started laughing like a crazy man, before pulling down his pants.
I then put my mouth around his cock and began sucking. After a minute of doing this, he told me, “I am gonna boom baby”. I then put my plan into action, I bit his cock off before he could blast my throat. He started to freak out as I spit out his bloody penis. In the absolute terror, he passed out.
When he awoke, I had him tied up. I told him that we were gonna watch his fucking videos. I plugged in his camera and started watching all the videos of hot freshman blowing Professor Wang. After sitting there with him for an hour or so, I begin to panic as none of these videos had my girlfriend. “WHERE IS THE VIDEO OF MY GIRLFRIEND?”, I freaking screeched at him. Professor Wang just looked at me, he didn’t say anything. “Do you enjoy your eyes? PROFESSOR! HOW CAN YOU PHILOSOPHIZE IF YOU CAN’T SEE!?!?”, I proclaimed as my proud battle cry.
I like a soda, that soda pop, pop goes the eye out of the eye socket, it is just as sweet. Professor Wang that old stoic was unmoved by my poetic violence. So we had another go. He must like darkness. After a while of further brutalizing this man, he cracked and whispered, “I violated logic.” He wept as the camera was recording. I knew I had damning evidence against him. Chris Hansen walked out with a concerned look on his face saying, “Professor Wang, you call yourself a philosophy professor, but would violate logic in order to achieve your ends? What do you think the Journal of LOGIC! would think about that?” Professor Wang was instantly discredited and fired. We left him there on the ground, less of a man.
Professor Wang was unable to find a position in the philosophy department of any university. He had to become transgender and switched to gender studies. No one really knows what happened to Professor Wang. As far as we know she is just a regular gender studies professor, a blind deformed female.
I went home to find my girlfriend watching le epic libtard destruction compilations. She hugged me as I entered the door, so happy that I owned the libtard professor. She enjoyed every second of my take down video of Professor Wang, where I castrated and crippled her with facts and logic. I sat her down and revealed that Professor Wang convinced me, that I was wrong about my Christian conservative beliefs. Her arguments were just too good. My girlfriend looked at me and nodded in agreement. I then took that as affirmative consent and ripped off her clothes.
We fucked all night long. In the morning, I realized that I am a liberal university flunk out. Holy shit, what will I do next? I then realized that my paper in the Journal of LOGIC! became an instant classic. The university liberal professor elite invited me to be a liberal philosophy professor with a tenure position.
Not only do I get to fuck the love of my life, but I get head from the hottest freshmen on campus. Let me tell you, they earned their A+. Wowza! All I needed to do was own the broflakes and become a liberal Nazi. I love liberalism and Nazism. Every night before I go to sleep, I kiss my framed picture of Adolf Hitler and Hillary Clinton. Reality really is fake and gay!